Emotional Compass
by meAlie
Summary: Lisbon has enough. A strange and angsty dark piece. 9 Chapters written out, don't know where it's going. Started writing 2010, Hightower is still around, absolutely not up to date!
1. Chapter 1

**Emotional Compass**

**Disclaimer:** Characters aren't mine. Made no profit.

**A/N:** Have mercy, I'm not a native and probably made a lot of mistakes. (I'm searching for a nice beta *hint*)  
So I found this story on my computer... I started writing it in 2010 and now I've started adding to it and it is still not finished and I don't know where it's going and it is scaring me how dark and sad and strange the mood of this piece is... but it's the middle of the night, so why not just put it out there in the world wide web without thinking... This has been written with very long breaks in between and through patching together loose parts. At the moment I like the atmosphere that creates... this still isn't finished and I can't promise how fast the journey will continue. But I have 9 chapters at this point.

**summary:** _Lisbon has enough._

**Chapter 1: A Bump in the Head**

The woman is torn between sorrow and anger and it doesn't need a psychic to see that. Lisbon can read it, see it, hear it. Loud and clear. Looking back and forth between the distressed woman and her consultant she actually isn't so sure he can read it. Or, well, he might be able to read it if he bothered, but he wants to know from her why her husband did what he did, he has no regard for what else she might be telling him with her body language. Drawing her hand away from the weapon strapped to her hip, where it instinctively went, she holds both her hands up while trying to get between the crying mother of three and the pain in the ass consultant she feels the need to look out for. "Ma'am, listen...", she starts in what she hopes is a soothing tone. Behind her Jane is throwing another insult at the woman about her diseased husband and asks her mockingly how she hadn't noticed what he was up to. Lisbon throws a horrified look at the children of the family that came out of the house when they heard their mother screaming.

"Jane!" she say's totally horrified, turning her head to look over her shoulder and give him a pleading look, so he might please stop whatever he's doing. Something, it must be the woman she's turning her back to, shoves hard against her left shoulder, sending her over the edge of the pool they where standing ridiculously near to. She can't get her footing, she really wasn't in the right stance to fight off attacks, she just didn't anticipate one, she anticipated having to insert herself between the two parties and calming the woman down, keeping her from suing the CBI, but she didn't see that coming. As she's falling she asks herself if Jane saw it coming and thought it would be funny, or maybe she didn't think it that second but came up with this particular accusation later on, it all goes pretty fast and later on blurs in her recollection of the events. As she's falling she looses all of the control that's so precious to her, there's not even ground she can brace herself against, only a diving board out of reach for her arms, but stopping her fall in an odd angle, gracing her head, snapping her neck and then the rest of her upper body painfully back so it's actually her feet that smash first into the cold water and then everything goes black for a second, or maybe longer.

As she opens her eyes again she's lying on the lawn beside the pool and for some reason there is water dripping from Jane's face as he hoovers over her. She turns her face to the side spitting out some water and splutters "I'm fine." already trying to sit up as Jane's hand presses her shoulder back onto the ground and an anxious looking Cho appears in her line of sight, right above Jane's shoulder. "I'm gonna call an ambulance." he announces and Lisbon is torn between smiling at the sweetness of his expression and intentions and telling him off for doing something so unnecessary.

She easily shoves Jane's hand away sitting up and gripping her throbbing head. "Don't. I'm fine." she say's loud and steady and Cho lets his phone sink, obviously reassured by her order. "Don't!" she repeats, now turned toward Rigsby who's standing restraining the shocked looking Mrs. Radar and he immediately let's go of her.

"I'm so sorry Misses Lisbon", the woman exclaims and Lisbon slowly stands up, steadying herself by grabbing Jane's arm for a moment.

"It's ok." she sighs.

"It's not." Jane exclaims as if he's personally affronted.

"Stop it Jane. You said enough today!" she hisses at him, letting go of his arm and explaining to her team that they can leave now.

She get's the change of clothes she has in the back of her car and changes in the bathroom of the families house, after Mrs. Radar offered it and she made Jane sit in the car and wait, while the rest of the team left in the other car.

"I'm sorry." Jane offers somberly as she opens the door to the passenger side and let's her car keys drop into his hand. She says nothing, stepping to the side as he get's out of the car to go around to the drivers side. As soon as she's in the car she flops her wet hair against the back rest, although she is considering how it might be bad for the upholstery. With a sigh she closes her eyes, turning her head toward the window, away from Jane and staying silent for the whole drive to the CBI, ignoring his worried sideway glances in her direction. She notices how the whole seat is wet and a glance at her consultant confirms that he must have gotten into the pool after her. She can't even appreciate that, her only thought is that he could have considered not ruining both front seats of her car by sitting on them dripping wet from head to toe. She grits her teeth and closes her eyes, holding back her anger.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Here comes the part this story is revolving around. Lisbon having enough of their usual patterns. It's a strange chapter the dialogue wrote itself and left me wondering what exactly was going on in my head...

Thank you very much to my 2 reviewers!

LiZhuoNIng II : Yeah it's very much like that episode, and I didn't like Jane's reaction in that one, but I figured he knew she wasn't hurt that bad... a blow to the head is a more serious thing than a hurt foot, right? my "fantasy Jane" is actually about to get treated quite bad, because I still don't consider him "nice" enough *g*

Chapter 2: Emotional Compass

"Jane." she says tonelessly, when the door to her office opens and he ambles in with a pack of ice.

"Say it." he encourages, handing her the ice and standing in front of her desk expectantly.

She looks up at him, trying to figure out what that's supposed to mean, if he's expecting a lecture from her he can nod to, or a lecture he can defend himself against. He is probably expecting some kind of lecture, but she's tired of giving them and while she can't read what mood Jane is in, her own state of mind is even more of a mystery to her tonight. She couldn't even decide to sound annoyed when saying his name, she honestly doesn't know where to go from there.

"What?" she asks, tonelessly again, perhaps a bit of a sigh and some tiredness mixed in.

He lets his cheery facade drop a little looking more somber. Rounding her desk he sits on the edge of it, takes the ice he just handed her back and holds it to the bump on the back of her head.

"You should fire me", he suggests and again she isn't sure if he's taunting her because he knows she won't do it, or if he feels guilty and needs her reassurance now, or if he really expects her to fire him, or... the possibilities make her sight blur and her head pound even more, or maybe her concussion is worse than she thought.

"You know you're an egoistic prick", she states, deciding that's not a bad thing to start with, especially since she managed to sound quite emotionless again, not accusatory or anything... just putting it out there to consider it together, or is there some sarcasm left in her?

He nods, she doesn't look up at him, but gets his answer nonetheless. It's all part of his scheme she concludes and now she _is_ getting angry a bit. Poor Jane, thinks of himself as a prick, makes her feel like she should give him a hug and reassure him, makes her feel like she can't be too tough, too truthful with him, because he's not in the state of mind to be criticized. She'll have to tend to all his emotional wounds, prep him up, heal him, before she can put her own problems up in the priority list and speak her mind to him about all the injustice he's done her.

She lets her arms drop out from under her head, lying flat on her desk, than lets her head follow, not too fast since her head is really spinning now. The ice resting on the back of her head follows in just the right tempo, never leaving her head, as if the hand attached to it fully anticipated the move and she considers strangling the hand-owner for it, but that really makes no sense whatsoever. She might need a psychic to explain her own motives there. So she just burrows her head in her arms and closes her eyes, keeps from sighing and concentrates on breathing.

"You know what?" now there's provocation and anger in her question as she mumbles in to her desk top.

"What?" he asks. Friendly, no reaction to her anger, no real emotion on his side, leaving it all up to her to decide if she wants to pick a fight with him.

"You say it!" she demands.

"What? ... fire myself?"

Maybe it's all her fault, she's reading to much into the neutral statements he gives her. Really she has her own issues, knows where they come from and still is sometimes totally helpless against them. He told her she can't fix him, he didn't ask her to do it and he didn't sound helpless at all when suggesting to fire himself, mildly curious and amused at the most, the tone he always goes for. Putting up his facade, but that's his decision and she doesn't have to read anything into it, doesn't have to suspect a broken heart and insecurities behind it, doesn't have to feel responsible for saving him. All her own fault and still she'd like to throw it at him and it's not like he doesn't throw things her way she doesn't deserve.

"You say whatever needs to be said. Stop deflecting. Stop leaving me to pick op the pieces and restore our relationship."

"So I probably should really fire myself."

"Oh suck it up. And don't put 'probably' and 'really' in the same sentence to suggest to me I have to stop what you just started."

"Very observant Lisbon. I actually didn't do that on purpose. I apologize."

She's fuming silently at his patronizing tone and how he did it again: saying practically nothing and leaving the court to her. She's stated it already, this is his mess to clean up, she bites her lip and stays silent, concentrating on the ice pack he's still holding to her head and counting the seconds until he stops waiting for her answer, he gives her more time than she anticipates and her eyes flutter open and close against her arm while she's counting.

"Lisbon?" he's sounding alarmed and she senses him shifting on the desk, bending down to look at her. "You've got a concussion, you should stay awake." She's kind of amused, secretly pleased at hearing some emotions from him and than again she's simultaneously questioning his honesty and if he's just faking his concern.

"I'm awake Jane. I told you to stop deflecting and now I'm waiting for you to talk."

The ice pack leaves her head and his figure looming over her straightens up again, he get's up from the desk, turns around her chair, nearly making her fall to the floor since she had her upper body resting against the desk.

"You need to get you're head checked." he states grabbing her shoulders and pulling her up.

She thinks she's giving him a dry chuckle but opening her eyes left her disoriented and she isn't sure if she managed to give him the snort she was aiming for, "That's you're answer?"

He gives her the time to steady herself after pulling her into a standing position, his hands still on her shoulders, bending his neck and crouching a bit to look into her turned down face.

"No, it isn't. I'll try to give you one later, ok? You really are the first person I've known to get more eloquent with a concussion. We'll get you to a hospital let them check your head."

There's an insult in what he just said, that much she is sure of and he's downright patronizing in the way he's leading her out of her office as if she weren't capable of walking by herself. "Bite me!" she states and then she puts all her concentration on walking and not getting more dizzy, and holding the nausea down.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N 1: **Argh, I'm terrible at updating, I appologize! Life happened, plus the series final and all the beautiful ep-additions, so many fanfictions to read... leaving no time for writing and posting myself... or well... I did write, I started some kind of ep-addition myself and I rediscovered even more mentalist fics on my computer... it's really the posting part I'm so very bad at. I look forward to the summer, the break from new mentalist episodes may give me the time to catch up with posting the stuff I've written...

**A/N 2: **This is short interlude, not really a chapter (yes even shorter then the last two chapters!), written in March 2010, but since it is the fluffiest part of this story so far and doesn't fit in with the last chapter and with what is to come, I will allow it it's own chapter...

**Chapter 3: When she wakes up**

When she wakes up she has her hand in someones hair and bright light is making her blink furiously. She clumsily lifts her hand, only to let it fall again, smacking the head it was lying on in the process. The head shoots up from the bed and it's Jane, hair all ruffled, looking as tired and confused as she is feeling.

"What..." she mumbles.

Jane shakes his head and looks instantly awake and alert, big grin intact. "Concussion. You're in a hospital" he gives her a look she interprets as him reading her mind, or whatever he's calling his mental abilities today and then he continues "You're not remembering last night." he states, very sure about himself.

"I do" she says her face screwing up, not really awake yet but already totally annoyed with him.

"You remember how you got the concussion and our discussion in the office." he explains to her as if he is the higher authority regarding her memories. He's out of the chair he just slept in and walking up and down in front of her bed, after a dramatic pause in which he stares at her as if to make sure he has it all right he further states, "You don't remember getting here, probably don't even remember how you started senseless babbling in my car. Definitively don't remember me waking you every two hours and asking you a question, which isn't surprising, since you sleep really deep and never really woke up the whole night, even if you got conscious enough to answer the question and start questioning me about our whereabouts. I kinda expected more alertness from a senior agent... from you! Do you always sleep that deep or did that have to do something with the concussion?"

Her headache starts again, a mild throb in the front of her head and she imagines that she's looking like a fish now, mouth opening and closing, eyes wide, not really comprehending anything and gaping at her consultant. "Babbling?" she repeats.

"Meh, nothing you wouldn't have said under hypnosis." he's reassuring her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: All for the better**

"I'm the boss of this team and it's my responsibility to do this, to tell everyone what to do to be in my good graces again and restore the team dynamic. But you... you're not really under my command, are you? You're the consultant and we've done this often enough."

"Often enough for what?"

"To know that it doesn't really matter what I say, you won't listen, won't regard it in any way."

"Lisbon. That's not true, I..."

She stops him with a mere look and isn't really happy to see him agreeing with her assessment, at least that's what she thinks she sees in his face until he opens his mouth again.

"You really don't trust me", he sounds astounded and as if he's back at the fruit stand, where the discussion about the nonexistent trust between them started.

"You haven't given me a whole lot of reason to since that trust fall." she complies, "But that's not the topic here. _You_ don't trust _me_, you don't have the slightest bit of trust in my judgment and my orders."

"You're firing me."

She want's to hit him for switching back to discussions that lay behind them and assuming things, putting words in her mouth.

"No." she replies short and simple, nonchalant, the theme she's trying for in the future, "I'm quitting."

If she had the energy left to feel humored by anything today she'd probably lough at his expression, he looks like his mind reading abilities have left him. Totally baffled.

"I'm not quitting my job." she explains, trying for dry humor, "I'm quitting this game of tug o war between us." He still looks lost and unsure of what she's telling him. "You can stay on the team. Do what you do. I'll do damage control, protect my team from suffering under the consequences of your games. I'll continue all that, deal with the paper work you cause me and all that stuff. I'll just stop putting my energy into discussing things with you. You don't want my input and you never really put your insights out in the open with me. Scheme with Cho, keep trying to corrupt VanPelt and Rigsby. You can just stop talking with me, you don't have to bother with telling me lies about what you're doing or not doing, I can stop trying to give you orders you might follow, begging you to respect any lines." she takes a deep breath evaluating her speech, unsure if she got emotional in the end, if she sounded hurt and childish about it. She doesn't want to blackmail Jane into changing, she doubts it would work and it really isn't her style.

"Lisbon, I'm sorry." Jane sounds genuinely hurt now, but she guesses he'll get over it and in the long run it will save her from so much energy loss and hurt. It really is the logical thing to do and he'll find someone else to banter with.

"You don't have to be sorry. From my point of view, we are ok now. I'll just change my tactic, since this really bothered me till now. No hard feelings, team dynamic restored."

"I'm sorry." he repeats like a broken record and as she looks up at him she's slightly surprised to find him staring at the ground.

"Jane," she lays her hand on his arm, waiting for him to look up, "Sorry if I didn't get my point across. This... wasn't supposed to be a lecture, this was supposed to be the end of all lectures. I... was disappointed at what you did back at the Radar's residence, but I know now you didn't intend for the situation to escalate that way. It was an accident and if I want to put fault with anyone I have to put it with me, I interfered in your fight and I turned my back to her."

Jane gives her an incredulous look, a little like the one he gave her when she told Rigsby to let Mrs. Radar go. She guesses he has his own fight going on about who is to blame for the bump in her head. But it's really time to let that petty thing go.

"I'm trying to say," she starts again, letting her hand fall from it's position on his arm and stepping back, "that this accident was just the catalyst for me to rethink our dynamics. I'm giving in, I won't try to control you anymore and hopefully, I'll consequently won't stress out so fast anymore. All for the better."

She gives him a few seconds to react, than gives a final nod for his or her own benefit and leaves him alone in her office.

Jane slumps against her desk, letting his gaze drift back to the floor again, "I'm sorry." he repeats.


End file.
